I am a manager of chaos....

By the time my milk came in after our third girl was born, the colic had set in as well. I found it shocking that the most frequently asked question of me what “Are you going crazy”. Just like beauty, crazy is in the eye of the beholder as well right? I get asked regularly if the third time around was easier, I don’t think it was easy, I was lucky to have experienced having a newborn two times prior and I think that I am a fighter, I fought through and by my side every step was the strongest man I know and am lucky enough to call my husband. I recall after day Four days of Irelynd crying for stretches of anywhere from 5-7 hours each night, I laid her in her crib in a practically empty nursery, at that time she had been still “sleeping” in a pack in play by our bedside but, I was exhausted. I remember Brad getting up and he wasn’t able to take even one day off after her birth and was working more than full-time and he said, she’s too little to sleep in her crib and picked her up like he did every night regardless of his own lack of sleep and I went to take one of my 30-60 minute naps, after that shift as we referred to them, I recall thinking about how old she was SIX days old, a light turned on in my head and it occurred to me, she wasn’t supposed to be born yet! She was born close to three weeks early and should still be in my warm womb, only hearing the muffled sounds of her sisters and life itself, being fed on demand and being safe, safe from clothes rubbing on her purely perfect skin and safe from all the smells of the world. At that moment, I was at peace with the fact that I would do all that I could to help her in any way I knew possible but, that I would also know that I was perfectly capable of being sleep deprived and could filter all that the world threw at me and that she wasn’t able to. I wouldn’t say I was miserable the last weeks of my pregnancy but, it wasn’t my easiest either, I had heartburn to the effect of purposely not eating which now sounds like the most horrific thing to do to my unborn baby and then I had developed gestational diabetes (thankfully the heartburn subsided after going on the GD diet and I was able to eat again), I was working a more than full-time job with the highest stress level I had ever endured in my 18 years of work and needless to say was glad that I went into labor, so that being said, I knew I could handle life and Irelynd wasn’t ready. From the moment of clarity knowing that she wasn’t even supposed to be outside of me yet, I went through the motions, forging through to my goal of 12 weeks, that’s what I had always heard, colic is the missing trimester, 12 weeks and so the countdown began. I did any and everything I could to make her as comfortable as possible and Brad took every shift possible while he was not working, I survived on water, toast and apples trying to have a bland diet free of any food I had read about effecting babies with colic but, I had also read it didn’t matter what you ate, or did or didn’t do. Many people asked what Colic is, the definition is something along the lines of: A baby that cries for periods of 3 hours (or more) that you are unable to console. To this day I am just so happy that this was my third baby and I knew that I was doing everything I could, that’s not to say I didn’t doubt myself, doubt my ability to breastfeed of if I should call it quits this time, what if it was me after all? What if formula was the answer? The more you read on the internet, just like any other topic, goes from one extreme to the next, you just take what you want and leave the rest.

This funny cartoon yesterday about woman being the family manager and then this picture today that made me think of this subject and it all seems to just click in my head. It helps explain how I feel and how I get exhausted not from physical work but, from brain work, from trying to remember so many things and over think, be proactive and planning ahead, trying to avoid so many things I know will be an issue or cause further chaos. I laugh at this but, I do not necessarily agree with the fact that the number of kids you have grants you some new RANK in life or as a parent, it just goes with the cartoon I was reading about being a family manager explaining why my brain hurts on a regular basis and I am mentally fried, frazzled and often have no clue what the date is or day of the week.                          

 

 

So the fact that I have three kids and I feel like a chaos manager, this made me laugh.

 

I am in a constant state of trying to balance every aspect of every relationship, including my relationship with myself. When you become a parent, you’re responsible for the life of your child, not only keeping them safe but, you are molding this human to enter the world and responsible for the attitude that this child carries out into the world, with that it is very easy to lose yourself, to forget who you are and what you need and what makes you happy because one hundred times over you would give this child anything and everything you have to be sure they are safe and have every need in the world. If you aren’t careful you lose all of yourself and with that goes your mind, your memory and your happiness. It took me a long time to be ok with doing things for me, taking me time and putting myself first sometimes but, only after that can you find the true balance in life and parenthood, all the while nurturing the foundation of your family, which is that of me & my husband, so don’t let any part of that relationship go, don’t waiver as a wife, without a solid foundation the entire empire collapses. I have witnessed this happen in so many relationships closest to me. I truly believe that our family is only as strong as my relationship with my husband. So the question beckons, how do you put yourself first, your marriage first and your child/children first? The answer I have found is that it’s impossible. I have found that at any given moment at that time you nurture what is in front of you and you leave the guilt and sometimes you need to push one thing out of the way in order to nurture the next, in a constant state of balance, being sure to revisit your own self on a regular basis in order to not crumble. So regardless If you are a Unicorn or just a “mom” as suggested in the picture, don’t forget yourself, I am my own foundation, without a being solid with myself, I can’t move on to become the cement in our marriage, and then we can’t as a team, parent these girls of ours. I am just managing the chaos that we call life.

This is our crazy life..

I’ve been wanting to get some things written down before life gets too busy and I forget! I used to do blog updates on Madigyn’s milestones and then think I did one on Jayma… Life gets busier the more kids you have that’s for sure. Just when I think it’s going to slow down in the fall, we have birthday parties and the holidays.

One major hindrance that I’ve been struggling with is this overwhelming feeling that everyone is so offended by what people say or post and I have made the decision that it’s not that I don’t care how others feel, it’s that if you don’t like it move on, scroll on, don’t read what I have to say.. that being said, I am going to try harder to make time to jot down short blogs of things that are going on in our lives or funny things the girls are doing lately or even how I feel about stuff in general in an effort to try to not forget them. So this more for me than anyone else but, I do feel like I find security and better about my current struggles when I know I am not alone so, maybe someone will get a bit of that out of it too who knows.

I guess the best place to start is with Irelynd since I haven’t ever written any of her milestones. I will never be able to stop saying how quickly life flies by, I don’t know what it would be like without kids or how quickly it would go but, I do know that the more kids I have the faster it seems to fly by! I get so wrapped up in the day to day schedule and hour to hour schedule that the days begin to blend and the weeks wiz by!

Irelynd will turn EIGHT months old on Friday.. She is pulling herself up on everything, waving and saying hi on q, she knows her name and looks at you when called and can find those calling out to her, she is just starting to get a bit shy with others and she sure loves her mama! She is so determined all the time and she is very good at communicating what she wants, she has started her own version of sign language for more puffs where she takes both hands and swipes them across her tray as if they were on it and wants more as soon as she sits down. She is smart, and she is not easily distracted. We have to give her a toy or a clean diaper to play with in order to be able to change her diaper, she can roll so fast. She loves digging in the dirt of my Christmas cactus and pulling the tray off the coffee table too, so curious. She had a bout of waking at 1am every night for a good 2-3 weeks but, we have broken her habit for the time being and she has since slept past her 4am wake up too! Thank you for the sleep!! So, I wake her as early as 5:30am to start our day. Thankfully my mom comes to the house and watches her and gets M & J off to school two days a week and it’s a life saver. Sally was able to watch M & J for quite a while when they were young and not having her this time around has been sad but, I am thrilled that my mom is able to watch them for us as often as she does. This is our first time having an infant in any type of childcare facility and so far it is going really well.

I was able to take 13 weeks of leave for maternity, 9 of those were spent pacing the floor for 5-9 hours per day with a crying colic baby. Brad was amazing during this time and I also had a lot of help from my Mom, she still came to the house for a few weeks two times a week and would help me with M&J and with typical household duties and to allow me to sleep during the day since I wasn’t sleeping at night. Brad took shifts into the late hours or the super early shift before work and one day the colic was over… just as suddenly as it began it ended. To this day I am thankful it didn’t last 12 weeks and that I got that three weeks to try to enjoy my time with Irelynd and pretending to be a stay at home mom. Our daycare didn’t have an infant opening on June 1^st when I returned to work and thank goodness that my second mom Joan was willing and able to come and watch Irelynd three days a week until the opening was available and then the Friday’s until I was able to get Friday’s off at work on July 1^st. I wouldn’t have been able to return to work otherwise and I most likely would have quit my job (not that that would have been a bad thing) I am so very thankful for her ability to do so and for the lack of concern with whom I was leaving our baby in the care of.  

So life is crazy, I don’t see that it will ever not be crazy at this point. I think this is the normal, this is our life..it’s fast and exhausting but, we make the best of it and I would never pick a better partner in life than Brad.

Welcoming Irelynd Rose Price

Irelynd Rose Price February 28^th 12:01pm 7lbs 13oz, 20.5 inches

Just like you hear, every pregnancy is different and that was of course the case my third time around. Prior to 20 weeks along, they assumed that I had early onset preeclampsia due to protein in my urine and elevated blood pressure. By 20 weeks both had subsided however, I then tested positive for gestational diabetes. I went on a low carb diet and began checking my blood sugar four times a day. I was able to regulate my readings with diet alone. I was very happy to be able to maintain my workout schedule of group fitness and yoga my entire pregnancy and did not experience any of the sciatica pain that I had with Jayma (one minor episode that subsided shortly after). I started having contractions on a regular basis right around 35 weeks, often while sitting at work on an hourly basis. Once I was up and moving around or sat in the hot tub or went to bed they would go away. I had two very large contractions on Tuesday February 23^rd and of course assumed that was THE day, after having Jayma in 2 hours via ambulance in a hospital other than my desired one. I stayed home that day and my Mom came to help with Madigyn and Jayma. I was able to finish up all my last minute to do items. For the first time in weeks I experienced ZERO contractions from Wed.- Friday evening. We had the Ramos’ over for dinner and they picked up again and were 10 minutes apart for about 3 hours, only to subside again once laying down that night. Saturday Feb. 27^th I had a prenatal massage early in the morning, we then took a little hike to Granite Falls, and I really felt the need to not sit and get outside and move. I had a dinner date with Kendall and Sheena in Everett at 6pm that evening. My contractions kicked in at dinner and this was one of the first times that they were pretty strong and I lost a bit of focus while the contraction lasted a very short 30 seconds or so. We visited and wrapped things up around 9pm. I rushed home to say goodnight to the girls and let Brad know that my contractions had not stopped while driving and that they were pretty strong. By 11pm I was in bed questioning if they were going to stop as usual. They did not. At 12am, I asked Brad to run me a bath, he was out of it and thought I said “rub my back” to which is reply was “I might fall asleep”! I laughed and said a BATH. I then got out my phone and began tracking my contractions with an app I had downloaded. For an hour they were an average of 6 minutes apart. I let Brad know I was no longer comfortable staying at home in order to avoid the whole delivering a baby on the side of the road that everyone teased me about and the undesired ambulance ride as well. We packed up the girls and let my Mom and sister know that we were headed to triage and I would keep them posted. Upon arrival we were told that kids were not allowed in triage, I was upset that I didn’t know that prior to now. I went in to triage (Jayma was BORN in triage); they hooked me up and began tracking my contractions and checked my cervix. I was still at a two. I was at a two on the prior Tuesday; they began discussing sending me home to labor there. I explained that I gave birth in triage via ambulance and that my last labor was 2 hours, that information didn’t seem to faze the nurse however, I had been told by my midwife, if they try to send me home to demand to see a midwife, so I was not completely concerned. They shut my curtain and I was left to listen to not only my own heartbeat but, that of our little girl as well. After a short 5-8 minutes, I began feeling her frantically moving around, I could feel and hear on the monitor her struggling it was very scratchy and the sensation was very concerning, not so much as the fact that I could no longer hear her heart beat. I heard the nurses conversation about baby going crazy and then one said “that’s not baby, that’s mom”, I was thinking that IS baby. Then they heard what I heard, the lack of babies heart. They ripped back my curtain and flipped me on my left side, adjusting monitors, checking dials, still no heartbeat, I was then flipped on my right side, tears were streaming down my face at this point and all I was thinking is “I’m all alone.  I’m being rushed for a C-section and I will be all alone. My baby has no heartbeat”! Then there it was, baby’s very fast heartbeat again! At that point a nurse finally looked at my face and of course saw the fear and said “don’t worry, that is very normal, baby rolled on her cord, it happens all the time, you just don’t hear it”, then the nurse that had told me I was most likely going home said “Well, that solved that, you are not going anywhere”! She checked me and I had dilated a centimeter in 10 minutes and was now at a 3. I was then sent to a labor room and joined by Brad and the girls. We set them up with their busy bags and gave the speech that they needed to stay on that couch and not move if I started to give birth and that they had to remain there no matter what happened and that the Doctors and nurses were for me and the baby.  Sadie and my mom arrived, Christina arrived, then Ryan and April and a bit later Chilly. I labored in my bed using the Bradley Birthing Method of husband coached child birth for hours up until the urge to push. I would let Brad know when a contraction was coming and he would apply pressure to my lower back for the duration and then let up. I walked around a bit and did get up to use the bathroom a few times as well. I began feeling nauseous and did take some meds for that, which I almost immediately regretted, I think I would rather get sick but, who knows. A noticeable time of great annoyance set in and I asked that Jayma and Madigyn leave the room. I smelled their peanut butter Ritz and it was awful, even the crinkling of the bag was more than I could take. Ryan took the girls and the busy bags to the waiting room.  I felt the urge to push and they got the nurse and midwife, I was still only an 8, she asked if I wanted her to break my water that it would speed things along and I quickly answer yes! Sure enough, the contractions hit full force at that point. I remember looking at the clock and my progress up until this point was pretty typical with one centimeter per hour, so thinking ok, two hours and I’ll be at a 10. It was 10am, I was still at an 8 but pushing. I tried every suggested position with exception of the toilet. We came back to some others that seemed to work better and instead of using the arm bar to hold I put my feet up on it. My midwife was sitting down below me and I couldn’t read her, I wasn’t getting any feedback, I wasn’t getting a play by play. I began to doubt myself, it was 11:45 and after a contraction I asked her “Am I progressing?!” she was very shocked and said “Yes, Yes!” and then I think she realized what I needed and began to talk a bit more. At that point, I was thinking I can’t do this. I feel like I have been hit by a truck, I have been up since 8am on Saturday and it’s now almost noon the next day.. I started to push hard at the first tinge of a contraction and I held those pushes until after the contraction was over. I needed to get this baby out; I couldn’t do this any longer. They knew I was doing that and did mention it but, I didn’t care. With the head charge nurse in audience, baby was born 15 minutes later FACE UP! I heard the head nurse say “did you know that?!” and my midwife said “No, I had no idea”.  Baby was skin to skin, cord still attached and pulsing and she was a mirror image to Madigyn and Jayma. We waited for the cord to quit pulsing and shortly after Brad cut the cord, she began to crawl up my body. I had never heard of this and it was amazing, she immediately began nursing and we were skin to skin for close to an hour. Our journey in drug free child births have been very exciting and eventful. I am very happy to have made it to the hospital this third time and that all of our babies have been healthy and strong. I am beyond 
thankful that Brad is the coach he is for me while in labor and that we have been able to find comfortable happy medium between my wants/needs and his.

Madigyn Rain Price 10/6/08 8:06AM

I know I had this on here but, I am unable to locate so this is for me to remember.

Sunday October 5, 2008

We woke up around 7:00AM, I am sure we had a lazy day. I remember we had sometime to waste and started our day at Dairy Queen for a much awaited Peanut Buster Parfait, but, I didn’t get it…be all pregnant and such,  at the last minute I decided to get a butter finger blizzard. Later on I was getting ready in the bathroom for dinner at Anthony’s Home Port. While slowly getting ready, I remember I took me hours, I had to take breaks to watch TV, to eat, to lay down, and Sage (our #2 Dog) was driving me crazy, she was just staring at me, you see, Sage is usually at Brads side non-stop and doesn’t usually hassle me much, but on this particular day, she wouldn’t take her eyes off of me. For those of you who have ever been 39 weeks pregnant you know how hot you get while getting ready, and because of this, I was naked in my bathroom for the majority of the afternoon J and I really didn’t need my dog staring me down and just sitting there looking at me for hours on end. So, I annoyingly tell Brad, “Something is wrong with your dog, she is driving me nuts! Have you fed her? Does she need to go outside? I think she might be sick…” Brad replies “Yes, dear (smart words coming from the man who knocked me up!) She has food, water and she just went outside, and thankfully he drags her into the office to hang out with him while I continue my never ending efforts to get ready for dinner. Chilly and Jason meet us at the house around 5:30PM and we all head out to a nice dinner that Brad and I jokingly refer to as “Our last Harrah” before baby Price arrives. We meet Christina and Tal for a very nice dinner, most of us had the Crab Feed, I myself didn’t dare, there was no room left in my belly for the much loved Crab Feed, at this point I was eating about every two hours and couldn’t fit much more than a handful in at a time. I remember thinking, how much I would love a glass of red wine tonight…but, I will settle for Huckleberry Cheesecake! And so became the day that I had 3 deserts! J didn’t think his Chocolate, on Chocolate on Chocolate was all that great, but I thought it was the best ever and made Chilly take it away from me. As we said our good byes to the Piece’s I lovingly told Tal, “Just think, the next time you see us, we might have a baby!”. We got to our house that Sunday night around 10PM, we said goodnight to the Gosser’s and headed up to bed. As I rolled over and situated all my pillows and got ready for what would be my first Monday back to work in two months, wishing I didn’t have to go to work, it was 11PM. I awoke for what would normally be a very normal bathroom break after 45 minutes of sleep and I thought I must have been sweating, I felt as if I was anxious or irritable yet, now wide awake…Brad helped push me out of bed as he so lovingly had to do every time I tried to roll out of bed. As I was settling back in bed and doing the whole pillow routine one more time, I recall asking Brad a bunch of random questions about the show he had on…He was just getting ready to close his eyes for the night (until the next time he had to push me up to go pee!) I told him that I felt weird, like maybe I had heart burn…or something…. I then rolled over to try to get comfortable in anyway possible. It was only a moment before I said “I think water is coming out!?” He wide eyed jumps up, “You do?” I quickly (as quick as any 39 week pregnant woman can move!) ran to the bathroom and “peed” more than I had in 10 months…with Brad staring wide eyed at me he says “Do I need to call the hospital?” I recall Dr. Chien saying on Wednesday “now your strep b test is fine so, if you water breaks, you can shower, eat something but, then I want to head hear since you live so far away” So, Brad stammers to the nurse on call “My wife…she is pregnant…her…well….we think….her water broke…..” They tell us to head in. I am calmer at this point that he is. He is telling me, you need to finish packing your clothes! I need blankets! Where is the last minute list?! I am saying “Maybe my water didn’t break…I know, we have time…I forget where I put that list (imagine that?!) We are packing, stuffing duvet in covers and grabbing pillows (god I love my pillows!) Brad is running stuff out to the Denali and we are trying to not forget anything (mind you we have TWO dog children that we didn’t make a single plan for!) I have yet to feel a contraction, this is so not going the way I thought it would. (we spent 12 weeks in Bradley Birthing Classes for Natural (drug free) childbirth and I expected to labor at home for hours and hours before heading to the hospital) I remember while pregnant lovingly asking Brad “Can you imagine having a baby in the car?” “Can you imagine if we had a baby right here while we eat dinner?” The answer that followed as always “No.” I am sure we were both in a daze driving, Brad telling me that I need to call my Mom and my sisters and Chilly and and and…. I was like “No, not yet, we don’t even know if my water really did break, I don’t want to call everyone at Midnight for a false alarm!” I then call my mother and text my sister, Brad calls Chilly (she thinks he is joking with her, being that you can only take ½ what Brad says seriously) we arrive in Kirkland and it has occurred to me on 405 that I do have an odd sensation (did I grab the wrong sweats they are not very comfortable) but then again, it is occurring every 10 minutes…It is now October 6, 2008. After arriving I assume that I will go to triage and then get checked out then find out if this is the “real thing”. They walk me back to a room and hand me a gown. I am like, hello, maybe my water didn’t break……(just like maybe the home pregnancy test wasn’t really positive right?) I am asked a slew of ridiculous questions, the most insane of all was “What type of learner do you consider yourself?” mind you, I am in labor….I don’t ()*&^%^% know or care…..I remember my Mother and Sadie walking in just about the time that Christina and Chilly walked in…everyone says their hellos…Brad has his timer set for 30 minutes, to remind me to get up and pee, I don’t recall why we learned to do this but, It was one of the few random things I remember from Bradley Class. So, at this point I am sure Brad is already massaging my back constantly and it is about 3AM…at some point I puke in the bathroom while simultaneously have a contraction and think that I don’t have a clue what I am doing…. I am wiping, asking for a toothbrush… and running (mind you 39 weeks pregnant, not moving too fast… and in full blown labor) back to the bed to assume the ONLY position that is working for me, laying on the right or left side, with my glasses removed with Brad giving a never ending massage. After this, hours fly by and I have no recollection. People arrive and I have no clue they have done so. I guess it is 6AM now…everyone but, Sadie leave the room and Brad is still giving wonderful massage AND the nurse realizes that I am pushing during contractions (would I know if I was pushing…nope) She says she needs me to stop pushing and she need to see how far dilated I am. I then hear, you are at a 9 and I need you to stop pushing until I can get a Dr. in here! As if not pushing is even an option, remember that part where I didn’t even know I was pushing? A few random thoughts, at one point I realize that we didn’t give our credit card information to the cord blood company, I need realize that with out my contacts in I can’t see past my nose (that you Chilly for helping me put contacts in while in between pushes!), another random Bradley Class thought enters…I need to be at a 45 degree angle while pushing…I don’t know what 45 degree angle looks like so, I ask “Am I at a 45 degree angle?” I am very concerned at first, then after realizing that this child is coming regardless, I tell the nurse to never mind (all the while she is trying to figure out why I care what angle I am at and telling me to not worry about anything but, pushing) I look up at one point and I SWEAR I see a nurse between my legs…….where the _&*%% is my Dr? and I ask out loud “Is that a Dr. or a Nurse?! (in disgust mind you) I am thinking I refuse to do this with out a Dr!! (as if I have a choice right?) FINALLY, 7:15AM in walks Dr. Chien and I tell her how happy I am to see her, you would have thought I won the lottery when the term Stop pushing and don’t push, turned to PUSH! I realize that my Mother seems to think that if she holds her breath and pushes with me I am going to have an easier time getting this child out! My Dr. is playing with my unborn child’s hair while waiting for baby to arrive….45 minutes later, Brad was cutting the cord and calling out “It’s a Girl”. She was placed on stomach and the words “Oh, my god” left my mouth for what seemed like hours, over and over again…I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that she was here..a moment ago, she was in there and now she is here…with me. I was looking at the baby that I had tried to imagine my entire life. All I could say was oh my god…she was here. My room was full of family and friends. My Mom, Sadie & Sally, Chilly, Tracy, Christina, Kendall.. not to mention that I think every nurse on our floor found out that I was giving Natural child birth to a surprise baby, they were all there, a student was present, and the nursing staff had changed at 7AM so, the nurse that had been with me all morning stayed there to see our baby arrive before heading home for the day. While she was being weighed and measured, she was so strong; she was already holding her head up and lifting her self off the bed (that must be due to the 100 grams of protein I had consumed daily in my 3^rd trimester!). She remained nameless until about 2PM, at that time we decided on the name Madigyn and Brad picked the middle name Rain. Through out the day family and friends came to visit, at 8:30PM everyone was gone and all was quiet, with the exception of Brad snoring, I was still all amped up on adrenaline and was unable to sleep, I held Madigyn all night and just looked at her for hours. I knew that Danna was coming by in the morning to visit and I was unable to sleep even for a moment that night. We thought we would be discharged at 11AM Tuesday 10/7/08 but, time came and went and nothing. I slept from 2-2:30 and then woke up and called the nurse to see what the hold up was, they didn’t realize I was ready to go home! So, we were discharged at 4:30 and I had to head to work to get all my personal items and finish up Sally’s baby shower invites and get them in the mail. We were home by 6:30 and our neighbors came to meet Madigyn, then my family arrived. They were there until 10:30 and then we went to bed. We were finally able to sleep ALL day on Wednesday with the exception of rising every 3 hours to feed her. We took her in for her check up on Thursday and found out that her jaundice count was up from a 9 the day we checked out to a 20. We then headed back to Marysville to her pediatrician to find out if she had to be admitted back to the hospital or if we could do home Photo Therapy. Home treatment was approved so, we headed home to meet the nurse with her light bed. She was on the light bed for 5 days, during which she could only be off the bed in order to eat and be changed all which had to take place every 3 hours and take less than 1 hour to do so. I remember crying, I was so sad that she had to be on there. Brad was devastated, the only time he got to hold her was to hand her to me and then change her little Pampers. I remember thinking; I would have rather had morning sickness, hemorrhoids, and all the other horror stories that go along with pregnancy in order to not have her be stuck on there. In hind sight, it wasn’t so bad but, at the time it was like driving a needle in my eye. From that 5^th day on the light until now, we have been wonderful. She is a tiny little thing and grows like a weed. Time flies faster than anyone could ever know (unless they too have a child). She is healthy as can be and she has a wonderful personality and an amazing smile. Our life is filled with moments that we couldn’t have even fathomed prior to her arrival and we cherish every second. Parenthood is everything and more than we ever expected. We are elated and filled with more love than we ever knew possible.

This was written upon finding out that my Grandma had chosen to Die with Dignity.. Flailing My emotions flailing, my mind racing Pacing, pacing, pacing I search my sole for the answers Why did you too have to get Cancer Are you weak or are you strong Before long you will be gone The future is in your hands Only you know where you stand I want to say don’t do it I want to kick and hit The choice is yours to make How much courage will it take Questions fill my head I can’t believe that is what was said You think you know the reasons You have seen so many more seasons Now your feet are planted Did I take our time left with you for granted To know what you will miss To know that it will be our last kiss You say goodnight and I say goodbye We are left to know you are going to die Are you weak or are you strong Knowing that you can’t hang on It breaks my heart to know you want to go When inside I know Is the choice your to make When our hearts will break Our loss is your gain You will no longer be in pain You know we forgive you We see your point of view Your life is in your hands Will you fill us in on your plans Do we get to know When you choose to go Are you going to ask us to be there To think we will know when and where I want to be thankful and forgive I also want you to live My heart and mind are torn I’m not sure how to feel about being warned To know when the day will come Your days will be done It makes my heart ach To know that everything is at stake We don’t need any more proof We no longer question the truth You were given a decision to make It still seems so fake As you lay down to sleep Only our memories we have to keep I think that you are stronger Knowing that you can’t go on any longer In my dreams you will visit In my heart you will sit Together you will be I’m sure you can’t wait to see Your sole mate has waited That I am sure you have hated Two hearts together at last So much time has past Waiting, waiting, waiting You have been fading Peace will soon come What is done will be done Together we will gather No place would we rather Smiles wet with tears Thankful for all our years We let you go in peace Our love will only increase - Sarah S. Price

2014 Seven years have passed For so many years I had asked How long does it take to heal heart break? Seven years, for goodness sake Valentines has never been the same No one to blame Red and Pink hearts all around Instead of smile, I frown Will it ever be the same? Can I get back to the love game? In ways I have healed Somehow my heart sealed A patch remains Was that my gain? Guilt of no longer feeling broken Was that the dropped token? 2,55 That’s how long you have been in heaven Now to manage this new feeling Guilt of healing With fond memories my mind is often flood No longer drenched in crud The yearning to feel guilt free I know you would agree It’s time to be free Time to let it go Time to know Stop dreading and fretting Be reminded, open minded This day represents love Let that rise above Enjoy St. Valentine It’s time to realign Let it go This I know

This was from 2008. The day is drawing near My heart only fills with fear Soon a year will have come and gone It doesn’t seem that you have been gone that long February 14, 2007 Still you wait in heaven No longer hurting and in pain Tears still falling like rain As if after one year I would feel better I find solace in writing you letters Tear drop stained paper, with ink seeping outward I still feel like a coward Hiding tears from those near and dear As if we are all in the clear How long does it take for the heart to mend You would think it would with all the prayers that I send Is my heart any less broken As the wheel of time turns, you would think it could drop me a token I would buy a little time Just a moment to feel fine Your death is still so hard to accept No one understands to what depth I feel the blackness and the chill Does anyone have a pill A Band-aid or stitch Nothing seems to scratch this itch I am not only broken but, bruised I feel as if all of my will has been used Isn’t black supposed to fade in to green What does all of this mean Who has the answers When the best I come up with is fuck Cancer I know that can’t be right My thoughts drift you night after night Will I ever feel right I should have moved on Some how I can’t with you gone I stopped asking why over and over It was as if I found a four leaf clover A stroke of luck came my way But, that was only for one day There is no gravesite to visit, no headstone, and no flowers Just a box full of ashes, as I walk by, I feel your powers One day we will spread you And when we do My only hope is to one day join you I find peace in that thought And that is all I have got Hope that one day I find you and we are both ok